It’s been two weeks since I turned down two proposals from two men I couldn’t bring myself to choose whom I’d want to spend the rest of my life with.
I thought about Ron, the humble, sweet, listening and loving young man I cared about, not sure if I truly loved him. I questioned my feelings for him all the time, it was clear he loved me so much but was I ever going to return that love completely?
“I can’t take this anymore. I can’t carry on deceiving these two men, I just can’t live with myself anymore.” I cried to my sister.
She was a listener, always had a solution to all my problems. She was better than me, a better person. Certainly, if she was in my shoes she would have handled everything before getting out of hand like I did.
“Do you love Kon?” She asked me, patiently.
I was quiet, searching my heart and my soul. I looked into the mirror, looked deep into my own eyes like the reflection in the mirror was a stranger. Yes, the girl in the mirror was not me, she was someone else I didn’t know. A heartless creature toying with two hearts, definitely not me.
“I don’t know if I do, not anymore. As for Ron, it’s indifferent all the time.” I finally spoke after swallowing so hard my throat hurt.
My sister paced back and forth, from the bed to the dressing table, from the dressing table to the bed, over and over.
“You love Ron, you just don’t know it. I see the way you fight for him, how you do things that even I wouldn’t do to keep a man. It’s for security yes, he is a keeper, but I’ve lived long enough to know love and infatuation.” Anna said.
How could she be so flawless? I failed to understand how calm and meek she was and how I was the clumsy one all the time.
“Meditate, love and infatuation.” She proceeded, “you are old enough to know where you belong and will be safe and truly loved between the two.” She said.
She walked up to me and took my hand, smiled and brought me into her arms. How did she know an embrace was all I needed at this point?
“Meditate.” She said, pulled away and left my room.
Meditate, that’s all it took? Love and infatuation, how different can they be? So confusing.
Saying no to Kon was haunting me, but not as much as it haunted me that I deceived Ron into believing I was sick so he shouldn’t propose marriage to me. I needed to explain to each one of them why I acted that way.
I was ready to face each of them at a time and tell them the truth, I picked up my cellphone and my purse and stormed out my room. I made my way to the living room to tell Anna what I was going to do. I almost vomited my heart when I walked into the living room.
“Ron?” I barely could breathe. “Kon?” Mouth agape, I shook, trembled. They were both here at the same time.
“Amy,” the two called my name at once.
Who was I going to respond to? Did the two know each other? Why the hell did they come here? I was supposed to go to them not them to me.
Anna was just looking, she kept her eyes on me. Her eyes were talking, sending signals, but what was she saying?
“Amy,” Kon came closer, “I went to him after you turned down my proposal. I was hurt and angry and bitter that you chose him over me. I told him everything.”
I thought I was losing my mind, the sharp pain I lied about when Ron was about to propose became so real. If only it was fatal, I needed a way out of this mess.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ron asked sadly, his face so pale I could see the tears in his eyes. “I gave you everything, all of me. I loved you truly there was no other, and you repay my loyalty like this?”
“She deceived both of us. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and you let me down.” Kon cried, his eyes were red and sore.
They took turns in talking, saying how I have ruined their lives, lied and took each one of them for granted. All I had was tears and regret, my head was literally pounding.
“You tell us, who do you love between us?” Kon asked. He took a step forward and grabbed my shoulders, shook me. “Say it Amy!” He yelled.
I looked at Ron, he was staring at me with pain and so much resentment. My mind was confused, he hated me for sure.
Kon was shaking me with so much anger that when he called my name and yelled that I choose one of them, I pushed him.
“Enough!” I yelled, breathing heavily, nose running, mixing the thick fluid from my nose with tears flooding down from my eyes to my cheeks, nose and down my chin.
“Amy,” Kon was moving close again.
“You stay right there, you selfish prick!” I was angry, no more taking the blame. “You,” I turned to Ron, “you gave me everything I’m so grateful. Love, trust, loyalty, I am sorry I took all that for granted.”
They were all listening, wondering what I was about to say. Both breathing fast, the suits on both of them becoming heavy and hot. Ron was loosening his tie while Kon took off his jacket.
“You say you gave me everything, but not who I was. You tried to change everything about me, I tried to do what pleased you but no, it was never good enough. There is always a problem and flaws that you can’t accept. I have no life when it comes to pleasing you. What about me? What about who I was before I met you? So selfish I can’t stand it anymore.”
The room was quiet, I paused and looked at Anna who just sat down looking at me firmly. I’m sure she didn’t believe I could speak out like I just started to.
“And Kon, so selfish and self-centered I’m sick of you thinking I can never do without you. Five years I gave all of me to you more than I ever did, not to any other man. But you have ego, so full of yourself its sickening. Took me five years to know what business you really do, meet your friends, family. It was never real, at least not to you. I see it all now, once you saw I was beginning to look at someone else you went crazy. I was not going to wait forever, no.”
I paused again, caught a breath. My heart was now beating too slow I almost couldn’t breathe.
“I have had enough of each of you. I’m a bad person for lying and I’m ashamed, but please keep your rings. I won’t marry either of you. Today, I will start to love me first, genuinely and build myself up. Stay away from me, both of you! I thought I needed one of you to complete me, I need to love myself first before I love anybody else. I’m so sorry Ron, Kon, I’m sorry.” I said, calmly shoved my purse up my shoulder and walked out through the door.
I had never felt so free and relieved in my entire life. Walking into the sun outside the house felt like a heavy load had been lifted off my back. I was going away, start over, establish myself and maybe someday try falling in love again. It was time for soul searching.
What I did would haunt me but I was ready to take responsibility for each one of my bad decisions. This time, I was very much certain of what I wanted.
**To read previous episodes on Uncertain Me and Weekly Dose, click here