Now I was caught between worlds, questioning my own feelings and I did not know if anything I felt was real. Kon wanted to marry me yet I had been dating someone else all the while I was not sure about Kon. He insisted on meeting my parents, I stalled and stalled till there were no more excuses.
“Good God help me.” I’d say to myself each night.
How was I to deal with this? Sack one of them and stay with the other? I searched my soul and weighed my emotions, I loved one. Only one of them was going to win and none of them would have to know each other. That way no one would get hurt. But none of them gave me a reason to leave, I was confused.
Ron loved me and he was always there, he offered hope and assurance it was no question of love when it came to his actions. He was open about everything, wanted me to meet his family, I stalled too. Used school as an excuse and he was understanding all the time. We had been dating for over a year and half. My biggest problem was how I always questioned my love for him, he did not bring me alive like Kon did. I was never sure if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
“School is almost over, when will you hand in your dissertation?” Each one of them would ask and every time I’d feel my heart race, I’d feel it on my throat. Mostly because that question was followed by when will I be ready to get married after I submit my dissertation. I was not ready for such pressure. I had no idea what I was doing with these two men no lie.
This was a dilemma, my heart was growing cold. It was almost impossible to look Ron in the eyes and tell him I love him, then do the same with Kon. I had to find a way to let one of these men out of my life and dedicate my life to one of them. But who?
“Amy, I have wasted so many years, but you waited and loved me still. I don’t want to wait any longer,” Kon softly said.
He was kneeling, was he trying to? I was stopping to breathe, this was not happening. But reality was draining the life out of me, when he got on his knees and finally looked up I was literally dying. What in the hell was this man doing? Trying to ask me to marry him?
“Amy, let’s not waste our time, I want you and only you to spend my life with. Marry me, please.” Kon proposed.
“Kon,” I paused, stammered, sweat was dripping from my underarms, my back, my head to down my face.
“Amy, don’t deny me the joy of being the man who comes home to you.” He begged me, his eyes moist with tears.
Maybe he meant it, maybe this was my chance at happiness. I loved this man with everything and after five years he asks me to be his wife, it was a dream come true.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath.
“Kon, I don’t know what to say.” I could barely say that clearly.
“Say yes, and I’ll make all your dreams come true.” He was convincing.
I could see myself walk down the isle in a few months. I imagined us fly to the Caribbean islands for our honeymoon. I let out a wearily smile and opened my mouth, gasped for air so I could speak. Reality stroke my dreamy head, there was no way I could say yes to Kon when just yesterday I caused drama when Ron pulled out the same trick on me.
I was coming in from my weekly grocery shopping and I found him in my apartment waiting with my roommate. He was bright and lively that when he saw me enter the door he jumped and ran to help me with the shopping bags. He did not wait for me to sit and rest, he came onto me and kissed me warmly.
“Amy, I don’t care what you think about what I’m about to do. We haven’t done the right procedure, but I love you. I love you too much you are all I see, I need you forever by my side.” He was declaring his love giving me all the hints he was proposing.
I panicked, I swallowed hard my own saliva was about to choke me. This was not happening to me, why must I be the one to chose between these lovely men who were all ignorantly hoping for a life with stupid and uncertain me?
“Amy, be my,”
I interrupted him and fell to my knees, closed my eyes in agony and screamed dramatically. I held his arm, screaming his name, begging for help. I wrapped my arms around my tummy and cried, tears were no problem, they flooded my face in a wink. I cried like I had a sharp pain in my stomach, he believed every act that he forgot about his proposal and took care of me like his little child. When he left I cried, how could I be so ruthless to such a good man who only loved me?
“Amy, say something please.” Kon’s voice brought me back to reality.
What was I to do? I did not know how to react, all I knew was what I was going to say, no. But how?
(To be continued next week…)